Barney/ILAPD

BARNEY MEETS THE I.L.A.P.D.


[Lights go up--donut and coffee dance to BAD BOYS.]

     CAPT. PICARD.
All right men listen up. We got us a sticky situation here.

(Troi interrupts)

     TROI.
Captain, is it anything like the Romulan invasion on Illyria?
     CAPT. PICARD.
No it's worse. There's a perverted guy dressed in a dumb purple 
dinosaur outfit hypnotizing our kids to watch his videos every hour 
upon the hour, driving their parents and everyone else crazy!
     LT. RIKER.
Yes men, this is a very disturbed person we are dealing with and 
this situation should be taken very seriously.
     CAPT. PICARD.
Okay everyone, we set up a sting operation that...

(Crusher interrupts)

    CRUSHER.
Captain, shouldn't we call in the F.B.I., Star Fleet, or someone? I 
mean we are dealing with a guy who likes to dress in a dinosaur 
outfit and sing to overaged kids trying to act like their two!
     LT. RIKER.
As the Capt. said, we have a sting operation set up. And the reason 
none of the big guys are here is because they're hiding behind their 
mothers' skirts too afraid to take this freak. (Notices the Captain 
staring at him)  Sorry sir, my temper got away from me for a 
minute.
     CAPT. PICARD.
Understandable, now as I was saying we have an inside source who 
gave us a lay-out of Barney's Playland. (Points to map showing the 
police the areas in which they will enter and where Barney and the 
kids will be located.)  This is were Barney enters, where those kids 
will be, and here is the side entrance in which we will infiltrate the 
enemy.
     LT. RIKER.
(Talking to the extra cops)  Troi and Crusher will be posing as two 
new backyard gang members so we have the opportunity to attack 
him by surprise.
     CRUSHER.
Should we be wired? I mean guys like this can smell when the cops 
are near.
     CAPT. PICARD.
Good question, we had one of our robotic engineers create a hidden 
wire that's in the middle of a lollipop.

(Riker gets lollipop out of a desk drawer and then gives it to 
Crusher.)

     TROI.
Well that's very creative and good, but aren't Crusher and I a little to 
old to play dress-up?
     CAPT. PICARD.
Too old, are you kidding? They have some 14 year old cheerleader 
on the show still.
     LT. RIKER.
So tomorrow at 9 hundred hours you and Crusher will mix in with 
the other kids and do whatever activities they do there. And if that 
means sing, then sing, if that means play, you play, get the picture? 

(Troi and Crusher nod.)

     CRUSHER.
Well, do you want us to bust him after a period of time or wait for 
the rest of you to take him down?

(LT. RIKER is about to say something, but CAPT. PICARD 
interjects.)

     CAPT. PICARD.
Let me answer that, Lieutenant. Since that Sir Rodney King incident 
we have to be careful on how we handle hostile suspects. Which 
means we'll come in, knock him around a little bit, and then tell 
Internal Affairs that he came at us with a stuffed animal. Okay 
everyone is dismissed. (As extra cops leave the Captain talks to Troi 
and Crusher.)  Be careful tomorrow and watch your backs because 
this could get dangerous.
     TROI.
Don't worry sir we will not fail our mission.

[Lights go down and Bad Boys is played.]

SCENE CHANGE

(Kids walk in first, followed by Troi and Crusher)

     TINA.
(Notices the 2 new people.)  Hello my name is Tina and yours?
     TROI.
I'm Deanna and this is Wesley.
       TINA.
Come over here everybody. I'd like you to meet two new friends, 
Deanna and Wesley. (Everyone comes over to say hi.)
      DEREK.
 Do you know what this calls for?
      ALL.
No, what does this call for?
      DEREK.
A sing along.
      ALL.
    I love you. you love me
    We're best friends like friends should be.
    With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.
    Won't you say you love me too?

(I Will Survive comes on, kids freeze in place, Barney jumps 
through doors as 70's light sequence occurs, and then he dances.)

      BARNEY 
(Dancing stops, lights go to normal.)  Well, hello there boys and 
girls.
Boy am I glad you came to play.
      ALL.
Barney!

(Kids run to give BARNEY a hug.)

      BARNEY.
 (Looks at Troi and Crusher.)  Well who are they?
       SHAWN.
You'll have to guess Barney!
      BARNEY.
Oh, a guessing game, I love guessing games. (Walks to Troi and 
Crusher.) Lets see you're not an octopus. (Kids laugh)  You're not 
a Klingon.(Kids laugh) I know, you're Deanna and Wesley the two 
new backyard gang members.
       JULIE.
Barney, I knew you could do it. (Gives BARNEY a hug.)
       JASON.
What are we going to play today, Barney?
      BARNEY.
First, lets sing a song and dance a jig.

(BARNEY.and kids get in formation to dance to Hotstepper.)

      TROI (pulling Crusher aside).
Well, the Lieutenant said we had to do whatever activities they do so 
I guess...

(Interrupted by the song and the dancing. They join in and try to 
keep up.)

      BARNEY.
Boy wasn't that fun.  Now we have time to play cops and robbers.

(Kids get excited and act like they're shooting people.)

      CRUSHER (pulling Troi aside).
He looked right over to us when he said that!
      TROI.
What are you getting at, Crusher?
     CRUSHER.
What do you mean, what am I getting at? Are you stupid? I'm trying 
to say our cover is blown! I don't know how but it has been.
      TROI.
 I think you're paranoid, but if you want to call reinforcements in be 
my guest. Just do it before they start singing again.
     CRUSHER (Talking into the wired lollipop).
Captain, it's time.

(Picard, Riker and the extra Cops come running in down the aisles 
while Bad Boys is being played, kids start screaming.)

     CAPT. PICARD.
That's it, everyone down, now!

(All kids drop to the floor crying, and Lt.Riker runs over to 
Barney.)

      LT.RIKER.
All right you, you have a lot of questions to answer. (Riker starts 
shaking Barney)  Look at this Captain,  he's getting hostile and what 
do we do to people, who aren't actually, hostile?
     CAPT. PICARD.
We take'm down!

(All cops beat Barney up.)

      BARNEY (as Crusher pulls Barney to his feet).
What did you do that for!?
     CAPT. PICARD.
Because we're the I.L.A.P.D. and your purple. That's a wrap, see 
everyone at the station.

(Cops escort kids and Barney. out. Lights go down.)
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