Here's to California
by Stephen A. Schrum
steveschrum@musofyr.com
SCENE 11
(A FEW DAYS LATER, IN A SPANKING CLEAN, BRIGHT L.A. ART
GALLERY. ERNIE AND CELIA ENTER, CARRYING THEIR PROGRAMS, AND
LOOK AROUND. CELIA SEES SOMEONE SHE KNOWS AND WAVES.)
CELIA
(TO ERNIE) I hope you don't mind my
dragging you to this exhibit.
ERNIE
Not at all. It's good to have a
night off from Mary and Kate. I've
been seeing them both on and off
for almost a week, and--
CELIA
On and off? You mean, one on and
the other off, then the one off and
the other on?
ERNIE
Please. You make it sound like
group sex. But I'll admit, it is
beginning to take its toll.
CELIA
It sure is. Last night our
telepathic link was working very
strongly. It kept me up half the
night.
ERNIE
Sorry. Between Kate and the full
moon.... Well, anyway, I'm looking
forward to seeing the work of a man
who, uh, (CHECKS PROGRAM, READS)
"Works in old media new discovered,
with the anger and fire of the mad
as-hell-won't-take-it-anymore White
Anglo-Saxon Protestant." Who wrote
the program notes, Nancy Reagan
Ferlinghetti?
CELIA
Oh, look, there's the photographer
I told you about. I've got to say
hello. I'll be right back.
ERNIE
Okay.
(CELIA WALKS OVER TO TONY RYAN WHO HAS JUST ARRIVED, AND THEY
CHAT. ERNIE WALKS OVER TO THE NEAREST PRINTING AND LOOKS AT
IT. A PUZZLED LOOK: HE CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. HE TURNS HIS HEAD
TO EACH SIDE, THEN TRIES TO LOOK AT IT UPSIDE DOWN. STILL
NOTHING. JUST THEN THERESA CARPENTER WALKS UP BESIDE HIM. HE
STOPS GAWKING AT THE PAINTING AND, UNDER THE PRETENSE OF
READING THE PROGRAM, SNEAKS A GLANCE AT HER.
SHE IS A VERY WELL-DRESSED YOUNG WOMAN, BRUNETTE, PRETTY AND
VERY SELF-ASSURED.)
ERNIE (CONT'D)
Er, excuse me. What is this one
called?
THERESA
(CHECKING PROGRAM) "Cubist
Tornado."
ERNIE
(A REVELATION) Oh! Now I get it!
THERESA
Do you like it?
ERNIE
Well, it's uh, um, I, uh, no. It
doesn't match my living room
carpet. Actually it does. But I
still think it stinks.
THERESA
You've very opinionated.
ERNIE
Yeah, well, I know what I like. And
that's not it.
THERESA
You're right, too. It does stink.
ERNIE
(TAKEN BY SURPRISE) Yes. My name is
Ernest.
THERESA
I'm Theresa.
ERNIE
Really? My mother's name is
Theresa.
THERESA
Oh?
ERNIE
Yes. Uh, shall we look at some
others? The odor of this one is
beginning to overwhelm.
THERESA
Let's.
ERNIE
You like art?
THERESA
I'm looking for something for my
new law office.
ERNIE
You're a lawyer?
THERESA
Yes. I just left the local office
of one of those nationwide attorney
franchises. You know, the kind that
specialize in auto accident cases.
(LOOKS AT A PRINTING) Some of these
resemble my old clients.
(THEY CROSS AWAY AS TONY AND CELIA COME TO THE PAINTING ERNIE
AND THERESA HAD JUST BEEN VIEWING.)
TONY
Oh, look at this one, will you?
CELIA
Pretty putrid. (CHECKS PROGRAM)
What's this next one. "Serene
Landscape"? (THEY MOVE TO THE NEXT
ONE) I should have guessed.
TONY
No, it's accurate. All his
landscapes are set in post-nuclear
war Ohio.
CELIA
It looks a lot like Pre-nuclear War
Ohio.
TONY
It does. So what 's the verdict?
CELIA
On what?
TONY
You know. The layout. We're doing
"Golden Girls of the Film
Industry," or some such nonsense.
You fit perfectly.
CELIA
I'm not sure I have the long legs
required for the job.
TONY
We'll put you under the covers.
Just your beautiful breasts gazing
from under the chaste, white
sheets, offering themselves to the
reader, your big blue eyes--
CELIA
Brown.
TONY
--brown eyes smiling--
CELIA
I can't do it, Tony. Take off all
my clothes for--
TONY
So just take off some of your
clothes. Whatever. We're flexible.
I'd really like to have you do it.
CELIA
Well...let me think about it some
more.
TONY
(SIGHS) Okay. Two more days. But
that's all. And I want you to call
me either way. (CHECKS WATCH) Well,
I've got to run now. (POINTS AT HER
AS HE WALKS BACKWARD TO THE DOOR)
Two days. (EXITS.)
CELIA
Hmmmm. (LOOKING AROUND) Now where's
Ernie? (SEES HIM WITH THERESA) I
should have known.
(TURNS TO PAINTING, LOOKS IN
PROGRAM FOR TITLE) "Nude in a
Wasteland." (REPEATS ERNIE'S
BUSINESS OF LOOKING) I wonder if
that's what I'd look like?
SCENE 12
(A WEEK LATER. ERNIE HAS SET UP THE LIVING ROOM AS A WRITING
ROOM, AND IS NOW TYPING REWRITES ON A MANUAL TYPEWRITER. EMIL
STRIDES INTO THE ROOM TALKING ON A CORDLESS PHONE.)
EMIL
Yes, I saw the rushes. It was
terrible. The set has 1880-ish
architectural elements, the clothes
are 1950-ish, the hairstyles 1940
ish, and it takes place in the
1930's.... So what did I think?
Ish!.... It's not the designer's
fault! It's the director's fault!
He approved it.... Well, he should
have!.... What eclectic? Look, I
know it's only TV, but isn't there
room for art, too?.... What do you
mean, Not on the small screen?....
How much?.... Just to fix three
scenes?.... All right, don't fix
it, but use one of my aliases in
the credits for producer. I don't
want anybody to know it's mine.
Especially since it's not....
Right. Call me then....Yeah, ciao.
(HE HANGS UP.)
ERNIE
Trouble, Emil?
EMIL
If you're doing a show set in the
1930's, is it too much to ask to
have everything look like it's in
the 1930's?
ERNIE
That's how they did it in the
1930's.
EMIL
I guess it was easier for them
then. Ah! Incompetent assholes I'm
dealing with.
ERNIE
Emil! That's the harshest thing
I've ever heard you say.
EMIL
Well, they make me mad! If only
someone would just stop and think
for a minute. But no. They just do
it. For money. You can't even spend
money to make money. Oh, I must
calm down. It's not only this show.
I've got other things on my mind.
I'm concerned about--well, we're
going to have a new boarder for
awhile.
ERNIE
(JOKING) Anyone I Know?
EMIL
Yes. Duncan Wasserman.
ERNIE
Oh, my God.
EMIL
Now, come on, Ernie. He's not that
bad.
ERNIE
You remember what happened at the
party the first night we were here.
(REALIZES) And if he's not so bad,
why are You worried about his
moving in?
EMIL
I'm afraid he might bother Celia. I
guess I shouldn't worry. He 's just
coming here for a few days to work
on his latest book of poetry.
ERNIE
Great.
EMIL
Ernie, I know you don't like him,
but try to get along. He's really
not so bad, as I've said. A bit
loud, perhaps, but--
ERNIE
Emil, he's a con artist.
EMIL
Oh, no, not at all. If he was a con
artist, he'd be good at it. But
he's not. I don't think he ever
fooled anyone but a few pseudo
intellectuals. And you.
ERNIE
(DRAWL) That's us gullible
Easterners fer yuh.
EMIL
There's your trouble, Ernie. Don't
be an Easterner. Just live. Enjoy
it out here.
ERNIE
Even if art and money don't mix?
EMIL
Well--
ERNIE
East is east and west is west, and
never the twain shall meet.
DUNCAN
(ENTERING) Thus spake Zarathustra.
And Nietzsche saw that it was good.
Hello, you sons of bitches, hello.
EMIL
Duncan! Welcome' You remember Ernie
Reiter.
DUNCAN
Ah, yes, the blue one, with the
astral sister of the bony knees.
You write in here, boy?
ERNIE
Until now.
DUNCAN
Good! Wonderful inspiration, this
room. I wrote three of my books in
here, four days each book. No
problem, I'll leave you some space.
All right? S'all right! Great!
Emil, where's my room?
EMIL
Same room as always, Duncan. Lane
will take your things up to the--
DUNCAN
My bunk! Summer camp! I've got my
name tags sewn on all my shorts,
general, and my privates are
tattooed. Lead on, Macduff, and
Goddamned be he who first cries,
Holy fuck! (EXITS QUICKLY.)
ERNIE
I don't know why you were worried
about Celia, Emil. I think Duncan
will be as quiet as a mouse. (BACK
TO WORK) I wonder if I can finish
my rewrites in five minutes?
CELIA
(RUSHING IN) What is that man doing
here?
EMIL
Oh, my. He's moving in.
CELIA
After what happened last time?
EMIL
Oh, dear, I knew this would happen.
ERNIE
Uh, Celia, Emil was concerned that
there'd be a problem.
CELIA
Well, there is.
ERNIE
What did he say to you?
CELIA
When I passed him on the stairs, he
smiled at me and winked.
ERNIE
Yeah, and then?
CELIA
Well, that's all. (PAUSE) But it
was the way he looked at me. A Jack
Nicholson leer. It made me feel
cheap.
EMIL
I'll go and speak with him.
(EXITS.)
ERNIE
Celia, I think you're overreacting.
CELIA
But he--
ERNIE
Come on, honey, calm down.
CELIA
That's easy for you to say.
ERNIE
What?
CELIA
Your life's okay. The play's going
well, you're going out with three
different women--
ERNIE
Hey, that's not so easy. I keep
forgetting which one I'm going out
with. If they didn't have different
hair color, I'd be totally
confused.
CELIA
(SARCASTICALLY) How terrible.
ERNIE
Hey, what's bothering you?
CELIA
Nothing.
ERNIE
Is it your job?
CELIA
My job's fine.
ERNIE
Then it's personal.
CELIA
(GRUDGINGLY ADMITTING IT) Yes.
ERNIE
What is it?
CELIA
I told you about the photographer
who wanted me to pose nude?
ERNIE
Yes. (A BEAT) You didn't.
CELIA
Well.... Tony said we should do a
session fully clothed, to get me
acclimated to it, as he said. So we
did. And I got acclimated to it.
And as I got more acclimated, I
removed more clothing, and finally
I was, well, you know.
ERNIE
Uh, huh.
CELIA
1 still didn't mind that I had done
it until he sent me some copies
with the release form.
ERNIE
The release form so they can print
the pictures?
CELIA
Yes. Now I feel pretty bad about
it. Not really guilty, but the idea
of someone having pictures like
that of me....
ERNIE
Yeah. Could I see them?
CELIA
Ernie!
ERNIE
Right. Bad question. Shouldn't have
said that. Shouldn't even have
suggested it. Forget I said it.
(PAUSE) So what are you going to
do?
CELIA
I'm not going to sign the release.
ERNIE
Good.
CELIA
But I wish I could get the
negatives.
ERNIE
Ask the guy. Maybe he'll give them
to you.
CELIA
I doubt it.
ERNIE
Find out. It can't hurt. (LOOKS AT
WATCH) I've got to go. I'm meeting
Kate--no, Mary--no; one of them, in
an hour. See you later. And good
luck.
CELIA
Thanks.
ERNIE
Hey, Celia, you didn't, uh, sleep
with this guy, did you?
CELIA
Of course not.
ERNIE
Good. See you later. (EXITS.)
(A PAUSE. SHE PONDERS THE SITUATION.)
DUNCAN
(IN THE DOORWAY) Hello, Celia.
CELIA
(COOLLY) Hello, Duncan.
DUNCAN
Emil told me how you reacted to my
greeting. I'm really sorry you took
it that way. (BEGINS TO BUILD
INTENSITY) It's my persona, you
know? MY mask. The face the world
sees--that I let it see. It's
intense, it's-- (REALIZES HE IS
BEING INTENSE, QUIETS DOWN)-
anyway, I'm sorry you took me so
seriously. I never do.
CELIA
Well, thanks, Duncan. I'm sorry I
took you the wrong way.
DUNCAN
(INTENSE GRIN) Honey, you can take
me any way y-- (CALMS) Sorry. It's
automatic.
CELIA
It's okay.
DUNCAN
Good, good. (PAUSE) When I get
quiet, I get sensitive to my
surroundings. Something tells me
you're upset about something.
CELIA
Yeah, but it's nothing for you to
concern yourself with.
DUNCAN
Butt out, huh? Okay, I get the
message. (STARTS TO GO, THEN STOPS)
Sure, I can't help? I mean, so I
can get on your good side?
CELIA
Can you get the negatives of nude
photos of me from a photographer?
DUNCAN
(SERIOUSLY) Maybe. Who's the flesh
flasher
CELIA
Are you serious?
DUNCAN
Yeah, for a change. Who?
CELIA
Tony Ryan.
DUNCAN
That fucker? He's got nude photos
of his maternal grandmother.
(LAUGHS AN EVIL LAUGH) No problem,
honey, just relax. I'll get them
for you. He owes me.
SCENE 13
(A FEW DAYS LATER. SHIRLEY AND CELIA ARE HAVING DRINKS AT A
BAR.)
SHIRLEY
So what happened with Duncan and
your photographer?
CELIA
I don't know. He said he'd go to
see Tony, but I don't know if he
did. Maybe he kept the pictures for
himself. God, I hope not.
(SHUDDERS) And Tony hasn't called
either.
SHIRLEY
You never did tell me if he made
love to you or not.
1ST STUD
(CROSSING TO SHIRLEY) Excuse me,
would you like to dance?
SHIRLEY
No, thanks.
1ST STUD
What's the matter, don't you dance?
SHIRLEY
Yeah, but I want to talk to my
friend.
1ST STUD
I get it. What you're saying is,
you don't want to dance with me. I
guess I'm not macho enough for you.
(EXITS.)
SHIRLEY
That's true. Anyway. You were
saying?
CELIA
Well, I--
2ND STUD
(IDENTICAL TWIN OF 1ST STUD, TO
SHIRLEY) Hey, doll. Glad you told
that creep to get lost, so You
could have me. He's a real jerk,
even if he is my brother. So how
about it, babe?
SHIRLEY
It looks like whatever it is, it
runs in your family.
2ND STUD
(VAGUELY SENSING AN INSULT) Hay,
it's cool. It 's cool. (STARTS TO
GO; ASIDE:) Bitch. (EXITS.)
SHIRLEY
It's my turn to shudder.
CELIA
What is this power you have over
men?
SHIRLEY
I don't know. I never seem to
attract the ones I want.
CELIA
Like Emil?
SHIRLEY
(BLUSHING) Yes. I just get the
dregs.
3RD STUD
(A NEANDERTHAL MAN, TO SHIRLEY)
Hey, chickies. Dance, wha duh yuh
say?
SHIRLEY
(IMPATIENTLY) No. I'm talking to my
friend.
3RD STUD
Oh. In that case, (TO CELIA) How
about you, chickies? Dance?
CELIA
No. I'm talking to her.
3RD STUD
Weird. (EXITS.)
CELIA
Well, Shirley' I'm glad we had this
little talk.
SHIRLEY
It was little, wasn't it? Let's get
out of here.
CELIA
I wish I could draw men like you
do.
SHIRLEY
It's not hard. Just get big boobs.
I've seen guys go after ugly women
with bigger ones than Dolly
Parton's. I don't understand it.
All I know is, it's not worth it.
CELIA
Oh, I don't know. I think I'd like
the attention, sometime.
SCENE 14
(TWO DAYS LATER. ERNIE IS AT WORK ON HIS REWRITES. DUNCAN IS
ALSO IN THE ROOM, HEAVILY INTO HIS BOOK: NOTES ARE SCATTERED
EVERYWHERE, AN HE PACES ABOUT, SEARCHING THROUGH THE SLIPS,
WRITING A LITTLE, SEARCHING SOME MORE, ALL THE WHILE CHANTING
"DADA DADA DADA DADA DADA...")
DUNCAN
Hey, Ernie. Thorough.
ERNIE
(SPELLING) T-H-O-R-O-U-G-H.
DUNCAN
(WRITES IT DOWN) Thanks. You know
just what I want. That's great.
(CONTINUES THE SAME BUSINESS, THEN
STOPS) Hey. particular.
ERNIE
(SPELLING) P-A-R-T-I-C-U-L-A-R.
DUNCAN
Great. (WRITES IT DOWN. REREADS THE
WHOLE THING, THEN STARES.) Shit.
What was I thinking about?
ERNIE
(ASIDE) Suddenly a light went out
over his head.
DUNCAN
Shit. I need a break. C'mon, let's
get out of here. Slip out onto the
patio for a smoke.
ERNIE
I'm trying to do some work on my
play.
DUNCAN
If you're still trying to fix it,
it must really be broke. Come on,
come on.
(DUNCAN EXITS TO PATIO. ERNIE SIGHS, THEN FOLLOWS. ONCE
OUTSIDE, DUNCAN LIGHTS UP A JOINT, TAKES A BIG HIT, AND
OFFERS IT TO ERNIE WHO FIRST REFUSES, THEN ACCEPTS IT.)
DUNCAN (CONT'D)
Hey, lookit. a shooting star. I
hope. We'll wait a minute, and if
there's no flash or mushroom cloud,
we'll be safe. Otherwise we'd
better duck and cover.
ERNIE
That's not funny.
DUNCAN
Why not? It 's the ultimate cosmic
joke, the perfect way to say, "Fuck
it." And it would really separate
the men from the boys.
ERNIE
It would separate the men from the
cockroaches.
DUNCAN
At least it would be exciting, for
a few minutes anyhow. How old are
you?
ERNIE
Twenty-eight.
DUNCAN
Yeah. I'm thirty-one.
ERNIE
Really? I took you for late
thirties. Sorry.
DUNCAN
It 's okay. I spent a lot of time
baking in the desert. A lot of hard
living in the streets. Not always a
hard life, just hard living. You
ever notice how our generation has
missed out on all the excitement?
ERNIE
What do you mean?
DUNCAN
Right before we came of age,
Vietnam was over. No real wars
since, and the draft didn't affect
us.
Watergate left us cynical, the
Recession slowed us down and put
most of us on the unemployment line
as soon as we got out of school. 1
graduated magna cum laude from the
University of Texas, and pphhhht,
nothing.
ERNIE
What was your major?
DUNCAN
English. I only made magna cum
laude since I couldn't spell.
(LAUGHS AT THAT) Oh, yeah. We got
sandwiched between '60's relevancy
and '80's back to basics. Our era's
martial music was disco, for God's
sake. Jesus. Even art is boring
now. Everything's been done. It's
the same with theatre, don't you
think? Hey, no offense, you know. I
mean, it used to be experimental,
creative, wild. Now all the weird
shit's been co-opted for Broadway
musicals. All the creativity's been
sapped away by IRA's and second
mortgages and cocaine and valium
and fucking hot little suburban
babysitters before the wife gets
home.
ERNIE
That 's quite a description.
DUNCAN
I oughta know. I did it myself. So,
my point is, what are you doing in
theatre
ERNIE
You really want to know? (DUNCAN
NODS) Okay, I'll tell you. You know
that moment when the houselights
have faded and the stage lights
haven't yet come up? Like when a
plane is taking off, and the front
wheels have lifted but the rear
wheels are still on the ground.
That moment is so full of
excitement and promise--it contains
all the magic of theatre, when the
individual people are transformed
into a single audience. That
doesn't happen in TV. That's why
you need that laugh track. In
theatre, it's live, it's there in
front of you. You can feel it. You
can touch it. And for me, it's even
more magic, because up there on the
stage are people I created speaking
words I wrote.
DUNCAN
Yeah, man, yeah, the words, man,
the words. Each one is a bullet,
man, a fucking laser beam into the
soul. That's what we're doing,
we're not trying to get their
attention, we're grabbing them by
their testicles and twisting their
minds and making them crazy. That's
what writing is all about, man:
life. Living it. Doing whatever it
takes. (PAUSE) Ah, shit. Did you
ever bleed for a living, man? I'm
telling you I did. I was so far
down I had to. You haven't lived
until you get the clap from a
Mexican whore, you kill a man, or
live off your own fucking blood. Or
find somebody dead. You ever find
somebody dead?
ERNIE
Yeah, I did, a friend of mine.
Well, not really a friend. Four of
us were living in this house one
summer. I hadn't seen him all day,
and then he got a phone call, so I
went to find him. He'd slit his
wrists with a razor blade. In his
bed. Didn't even have the decency
to do it in the shower. We had to
burn the mattress and the sheets. I
saw more blood that day than I ever
care to see again.
DUNCAN
He leave a note?
ERNIE
Yeah. (CHUCKLES) It said, "To whom
it may concern: fuck it."
(BOTH LAUGH. SHARING THE COSMIC JOKE.)
DUNCAN
Oh, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I discovered
something years ago, Ernie, my boy.
It was an odd revelation. But it's
true. Everybody has something
they're afraid of. It might be
success, or the lack of it, it
might be death, it might be that
there's nothing after death. That
one's had me going for most of my
life. But you know, if you can
figure out your fear, if you know
what you're afraid of and can
confront that, look at it square in
the face and say, "Fuck it!" you
can make it to Enlightenment, man.
You can reach that true oneness
with the universe. )
ERNIE
And you've done this?
DUNCAN
Shit, no. To look at your fears
squarely takes too much courage.
I'd rather drink and smoke myself
into a fucking stupor. Which sounds
too much like a good idea. Let's
get back to work.