Here's to California
by Stephen A. Schrum
steveschrum@musofyr.com
SCENE 15
(CELIA'S ROOM. SHE IS DRESSING FOR THE EVENING'S PARTY, AND
IS FINISHING BY STUFFING HER BRA WITH KLEENEXES. ERNIE
KNOCKS.)
CELIA
Who is it?
ERNIE
It's me. Can I come in?
CELIA
Sure.
ERNIE
(ENTERING) What are you doing?
CELIA
"Quod natura relinquit imperfectum,
ars perficit."
ERNIE
Again, please, for I have so little
Latin, and less Greek.
CELIA
"What nature leaves imperfect is
perfected by art."
ERNIE
I thought it was, "What God has
forgotten is made up for with
cotton."
CELIA
I'm tired of being an invisible
woman at these panties. I want to
stand out.
ERNIE
Well, you certainly will.
CELIA
Shirley always has handsome men
around her. I think I should, too.
ERNIE
Sure you should. But Shirley admits
that 99 and 9/10ths per cent of
them are jerks. And beefcake
doesn't go looking for women with
knives and forks.
CELIA
What?
ERNIE
It's a metaphor. If you can be
obscure, I can be obscure. Look,
what I'm trying to say is, that you
should let men love you for who you
are, not for what you look like.
CELIA
Is that how you feel about women?
ERNIE
Of course.
CELIA
Oh?
ERNIE
Okay, I don't. But why should 1?
This country has always had a
perfectly workable double standard,
and it should be kept up. And I'm
leaving now before I gag on my
shoelaces. (EXITS.)
(CELIA LOOKS AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR, THEN STUFFS MORE
KLEENEX.)
SCENE 16
(ERNIE STANDS IN THE LIVING ROOM, WHICH IS SET UP FOR ANOTHER
PARTY, ALREADY IN PROGRESS. EMIL ENTERS, SNEEZES, CROSSES TO
ERNIE.)
EMIL
Ernie, do you have a Kleenex?
ERNIE
Ask Celia.
EMIL
Oh. Okay.
(PUZZLED, EMIL EXITS. ERNIE SIPS HIS DRINK AND VAGUELY
LISTENS TO A CONVERSATION BEHIND HIM.)
GUEST
Oh, yes, they've got great cuisine,
but the food is terrible.
(ERNIE IS AMUSED BY THIS, BUT HIS SMILE DROPS QUICKLY WHEN
MARY, KATE AND THERESA CROSS TO HIM FROM THREE DIFFERENT
DIRECTIONS, AND SURROUND HIM.)
MARY, KATE THERESA
(TOGETHER) Hello, lover.
(SURPRISED) What? Who are you? Me?
Who are you?
ERNIE
Oh, my God.
MARY, KATE THERESA
(TOGETHER) Ernie, who are these
women? (TO OTHERS) Stop that!
ERNIE
Mary: this Katherine and Theresa.
Katherine: Mary and Theresa.
Theresa: Many and Katherine.
(ASIDE) God: help.
MARY, KATE THERESA
(SWEETLY TO ONE) Hi, nice to meet
you. (TO ANOTHER) How do you do?
KATE
(GRABBING ERNIE'S ARM) Ernie,
what's going on? Who are they?
MARY
(GRABBING THE OTHER ARM) Yes. I
come to a party to see you and find
you with them.
THERESA
Am I your date tonight or not?
ERNIE
Er...um....
MARY
His date? We've been going out for
three weeks.
KATE
Ernie and I have been going out for
three weeks.
THERESA
Well, it's only been two weeks for
me.
MARY
(PULLING ERNIE TOWARD HER) Ernie
and I are in love. I remind him of
his mother, Her name is Mary, too.
KATE
Really? He told me his mother's
name is Katherine.
THERESA
He told me her name is Theresa.
MARY
(RELEASING HIM) Oh? Well, which is
it?
ERNIE
Well, her name's Mary Catherine.
(PAUSE) Theresa is her confirmation
name.
(THE GIRLS EXCHANGE LOOKS, DUMP THEIR DRINKS ON ERNIE ONE BY
ONE, AND WALK OFF.)
MARY, KATE THERESA
Men! (EXEUNT.)
CELIA
(RUNNING OVER TO ERNIE) Ernie, what
happened?
ERNIE
Forget hot tubs. This is much
better.
CELIA
(PULLING KLEENEXES OUT) Here, dry
yourself.
ERNIE
(TAKES THEM) What about your sex
lure?
CELIA
So far I've gotten one "Let's
winter in Bermuda together," two
"Hey, chickies," three "What's
shakin', babes," two "Let's make a
porno flick together," and one "Sit
on my face, honey." The one who
said that looked like he had the
Chrysler Building sit on his face.
It made the offer for Bermuda sound
very good.
ERNIE
I guess we both did better than we
thought we would. Unfortunately. As
for me, I am going to accept my
anointing as baptism into the
Church of the Celibate Bachelor.
CELIA
Come on, sailor' I'll buy you a
drink. To drink.
(THEY EXIT PAST AN EXECUTIVE AND EMIL. LOLA SITS IN A CHAIR
NEARBY.) |
EMIL
I heard the Jack Goodfellow vas
fired. He was one of the biggest
production company heads in
Hollywood. What happened?
MINI-MOGUL
We found out that he had an
imaginary friend.
EMIL
There's nothing wrong with that.
Lots of people do. Mostly as a tax
write-off.
MINI-MOGUL
Sure, but he used to bring his
friend to our board meetings. Some
of us began to fear a possible leak
in security.
2ND MINI-MOGUL
WALKING UP) Hey, Emil, Bobby,
what's shakin'? Hey, Lola, what do
you say? (PULLS HER RING.
LOLA
Stick it in all the way, lover.
SHIRLEY
(ENTERING, CROSSES TO EMIL) Emil,
could I speak to you alone, please?
EMIL
Sure, uh, let's go into the den.
Harry, keep Lola company, would you
please?
2ND MINI-MOGUL
You bet.
(EMIL AND SHIRLEY EXIT.)
SCENE 17
(ERNIE'S ROOM. HE IS CHANGING CLOTHES, AND CELIA SITS ON THE
BED, WAITING FOR HIM.)
ERNIE
I don't know. This trip isn't
turning out quite the way 1
expected.
CELIA
What did you expect?
ERNIE
I don't Know, but it wasn't this. I
guess I shouldn't complain. The
play's going well, and everybody
has been pretty nice to me. I've
even become friends with Duncan.
But I'm still striking out with
women.
CELIA
Come on. You spent three weeks
hopping from one to the other.
That's hardly striking out. Your
only sin is one of timing.
ERNIE
Yeah, I guess. But you know, none
of those three had everything I
wanted. One was very intelligent,
one had beautiful legs, and the
third was an expert at making
(BEAT) strawberry daiquiris. All
three of them put together would
make a wonderful woman for me.
Unfortunately, they're three
separate women. (PAUSE) Is it too
much to ask for a mate who fills my
every need--or at least most of
them?
CELIA
I don't think it's too much too
ask. There must be someone
somewhere with all the qualities we
want. Maybe you should take your
mother's advice and marry me, after
all.
ERNIE
Well, you know, the other night I
made a list of everything I want in
a woman.
CELIA
And I fit every category--except
the legs category?
ERNIE
Your legs aren't so bad.
CELIA
So what are you saying?
ERNIE
I think I may be suggesting that we
try to make a go of it. If you have
no objections.
CELIA
Last week I was talking to Shirley
about Emil. She loves him but is
afraid to approach him since it
might make him nervous. I said that
since they started as friends,
maybe it could work out for them.
ERNIE
So what are you saying?
CELIA
After I talked to her, I realized
that maybe the same was true of us.
We've been friends for years, and
although we can't seem to find
compatible lovers, we are very
compatible. I was running from that
realization tonight when I was
stuffing my blouse.
ERNIE
You didn't run too far. We're still
as close as we were.
CELIA
Maybe closer.
ERNIE
Do you think a relationship might
interfere with our closeness? And
what if we should lose our
telepathic link?
CELIA
Well, maybe lovers shouldn't be
that close.
ERNIE
You want to give it a try?
CELIA
Sure, why not? I make very good
strawberry daiquiris.
ERNIE
Well, I'm game. (PAUSE) Where do we
start?
CELIA
How about with a kiss?
ERNIE
We've never done that before.
CELIA
Might as well start now. We might
even enjoy it.
(THEY KISS, AWKWARDLY AT FIRST, THEN AGAIN MORE SUCCESSFULLY.
THEY BREAK.)
ERNIE
Was that your tongue?
CELIA
No. Not on a first kiss.
ERNIE '
Couldn't have been my tongue.
CELIA
No wonder you have problems with
women. You only kiss with one lip.
Shall we try again?
ERNIE
Um, hmmm. (THEY DO.) Ummm....
SCENE 18
(THE DEN. SHIRLEY AND EMIL ARE ALONE.)
SHIRLEY
So, Emil, what I'm trying to tell
you is that I love you.
EMIL
(AFTER A PAUSE, HE HOLDS OUT HIS
HANDS, PALMS DOWNWARD) No
nervousness. Okay, now for the big
test. (CLEARS THROAT) Shirley, I
love you. (LOOKS AT HIS HANDS) Like
a rock.
SHIRLEY
Oh, Emil! (SHE HUGS HIM) Uh, oh,
now you're shaking.
EMIL
That' not from anxiety.
SHIRLEY
Oh, Emil, let's be bad.
EMIL
My bed or yours?
SHIRLEY
Mine. I sot it ready just in case.
And Lane got your favorite p.j.'s
for me.
EMIL
I don't think I'll be needing them.
(THEY EMBRACE, KISS, AND EXIT.)
SCENE 19
(ERNIE'S ROOM. ERNIE AND CELIA ARE SEATED ON THE BED,
CONTINUING TO EXPLORE KISSING. THEY BREAK)
ERNIE
I love you.
CELIA
I love you, too.
(THEY START TO KISS AGAIN, BUT ARE INTERRUPTED BY A LOUD BUMP
IN THE NEXT ROOM.)
ERNIE
What was that?
CELIA
That's Shirley's room, isn't it?
Well, Shirley was going to tell
Emil tonight that she loves him. I
hope it worked out.
ERNIE
I guess one thump meant yes. (SOUND
OF RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING IS HEARD
THROUGH THE WALL.) What's that? Oh!
CELIA
Exactly. Um, what do you say we
march to a different drummer?
ERNIE
Sounds good to me.
(SHE GETS UP AND TURNS THE LIGHT OFF. COMPLETE DARKNESS.)
CELIA
I wonder if our psychic link is
fading?
ERNIE
You still know what I'm thinking,
don't you?
CELIA
(SIGHS) Oh, yes.
SCENE 20
(THE NEXT MORNING. THE LIVING ROOM IS A SHAMBLES, WITH PEOPLE
SCATTERED AROUND AMID THE CARNAGE OF FOOD, PLATES AND
GLASSES. EMIL AND SHIRLEY ENTER AND WALK THROUGH IT ALL, HAND
IN HAND, OBLIVIOUS OF ALL BUT EACH OTHER. THEY THEN SEE CELIA
AND ERNIE EMBRACING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.)
EMIL
Good morning, you two! And what a
beautiful morning it is.
(SEVERAL BODIES ROLL OVER, MORN, GROAN, GASP OR CHORTLE THEIR
DISAGREEMENT.)
CELIA
Good morning, Emil, Shirley. You
slept well?
EMIL
Never better. Things certainly
worked out for us last night.
CELIA
We had a realization last night,
too.
SHIRLEY
Really, Celia? I knew you too would
get together, ever since we had our
talk the other week. I suspected it
ever since the two of you moved in.
ERNIE
Why? We didn't even suspect it.
SHIRLEY
Just the way You spoke to each
other, and some of the things you
said when the other wasn't around.
I could tell.
ERNIE
Hm! Well, it all worked out. Except
for one person.
CELIA
Who?
ERNIE
Lola, of course. What about her,
Emil?
EMIL
Well, when Shirley hit me with the
news last night, I decided to
forget about Lola and marry
Shirley. Then, on the way to
Shirley's room, I discovered Lola
in the billiard room, getting
gangbanged by a bunch of paparazzi,
Probably someone pulled her ring
and she said, "Do it to me twenty
more times." I left her there with
them.
(LANE ENTERS WITH TRAY WITH FOUR GLASSES OF ORANGE JUICE ON
IT, AND LOLA, HALF-DEFLATED, SLUNG UNDER HIS ARM. HE OFFERS
THE TRAY AROUND, AND CELIA, SHIRLEY, EMIL AND ERNIE EACH TAKE
A GLASS.)
LANE
What shall I do with Miss Lola,
sir?
EMIL
She will be in Shirley's old room,
from now on, Lane. Shirley's moving
$into my room. Is that all right,
Shirley?
SHIRLEY
Of course, love.
LANE
Of course, sir. (STARTS TO GO.)
ERNIE
(STOPPING LANE) Uh, Lane, wait a
moment. One last pull, huh? (PULLS
LOLA'S RING.)
LOLA
Oh, honey, I'm so tired. No more,
okay?
ERNIE
Okay, babe. 'Bye, bye.
(LANE EXITS. ALL WALK OUTSIDE TO LOOK AT THE SUNRISE.)
EMIL
So what do you think of California
now, Ernie?
ERNIE
It looks very good to me.
CELIA
Only one thing could make this day
perfect.
ERNIE
What's that?
(ON CUE, DUNCAN SWEEPS INTO THE ROOM, CARRYING A MANILA
ENVELOPE. HE CROSSES TO CELIA, KNEELS ON ONE KNEE, AND OFFERS
THE ENVELOPE TO HER.)
DUNCAN
My princess, your knight has
returned.
CELIA
Oh, Duncan. The negatives? (TAKES
THE ENVELOPE)
DUNCAN
(RISES) Positively.
CELIA
(HUGS HIM) Thank you. Now it is a
perfect day. (RAISES HER GLASS) A
toast, everyone.
SHIRLEY
A toast!
CELIA
Here's to California.
EMIL
Yes!
ERNIE
Cheers!
(THEY CLINK GLASSES. DUNCAN STEPS ASIDE AND PULLS A STACK OF
PHOTOS FROM AN INSIDE JACKET POCKET. LOOKING AT THE FIRST
ONE, HE COMPARES IT TO CELIA STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE,
SMILES, THEN PUTS IT AWAY AND EXITS AS THE LIGHTS FADE.
CURTAIN.)